I'm feeling all sorts of things. A stirring. A burden. A pain. A fulfillment. It's all mixed together. It's all weird. It's very original. It's very real. It's very unmanufactured. Unlike facebook. I don't hate facebook, but I get tired of it's packaged appeal. Life and relationships all put neatly on the screen, held safely in their respective boxes. But blogging is a little more messy. In a blog I can talk. Not "Jeanine is..." but really write something down.

I just finished a book. It was Christian fiction, but none the less it was good and it messed with my head. Messed with my heart. It described so much that I didn't have words for. The pain in the waiting as we pray for God to open the eyes of a closed heart. The impatience and despair we feel when we don't understand why he's letting this happen or how it could possibly work out for our good. The overpowering surge of love that we feel in relationships, deep friendship or otherwise, that makes us long for more and sometimes afraid of our vulnerability. I know that I become afraid of the power a person has with one word to crush me. But God says "Hold still, I'm not done here, be soft, don't shut down." Because he works through people and relationships, you know. It's just not all packaged and precise. So we surrender, or try, or die trying. Surrender is hard. It's really hard when it looks like you are just surrendering to messiness. Surrendering to unplanned, unpredictable events that could hurt. A lot. Unkempt, untamed, uncivilized. It's maddening. 

In the book, the author writes about the main character who is in a terrible time of crisis and uncertainty after a devastating tragedy, saying "As she poured out her heart in surrender to the Lord, the God of the universe poured back into her his love and assurance. She wept, and his Word comforted her. She was weak, and he strengthened her. Scripture upon Scripture came back to her, vital and alive, driving away fear and loneliness, obliterating all doubt." I've had that moment. Many times. Wailing, beating my body, cursing my birth, cursing my mistakes, sure of my defeat, on the brink of despair in the midst of a life tragedy. And that still small voice whispers, "Jeanine, I am here, love" and "I put you together, piece by precious piece as you grew in you mother's womb" and "I have loved you when you were my enemy, I will not stop now" and "I will hold you. We will get through this together."

I am somewhat ashamed and amused to say that sometimes my first reaction is not surrender. In fact, it is very much the opposite! Ha! I have stood in the face of God and shook my fist and said, "No! Let me give up! Don't call me higher! Don't pull me closer! Let me shut down!" The truth is that the fire of his presence is so intense, his refining fire is so hot, that it burns me! I mean really burns!! It purges me! I don't want to sing about the refiner's fire and the purifying of my heart because, you know what? The purging of myself really hurts! And relationships? Well, they hurt! People who love me the most still disappoint me, they still break my heart and they will continue to do so as long as they are human. It's enough to make me want to put that wall back up and try to "regain control." But even as I stand there in defiance, I crumble under his kindness. He says that a bruised reed he will not break (Isa. 42:3), a broken and contrite spirit he will not despise (Ps. 51:17), he says he is near the broken hearted (Ps. 34:18), he says that he has a plan (Jer. 29:11), he says that he is on my side, he is for me (Ro. 8:31), he says that he has loved me with an everlasting love (Jer. 31:3), and he says that he will not fail to finish what he has started in me (Php. 1:6). He will not leave me undone.

Pray with me.

God our Father, you are the God of the universe. You crafted every created thing. You spoke and it was. You speak now and it is as you say it will be. Your plans, Lord, stand firm forever and the purpose of you heart through out all generations (Ps. 33:11). (Pray this with me!) Father God, I pray right now that you would fill me with your love and assurance. Remind me of your promises. Remind me that you are good! That even when things are confusing or bleak or even when I am just stuck in a rut, you are working things out for my good (Ro. 8:28) and for your glory. God I pray that your love and assurance would pour into my heart, declaring to me who I am in you and who you have made me to be. Declaring that I am who you've made me to be! Father I pray that your living Word would flow through me and it would drive out all fear and loneliness! Father I pray that your perfect love which casts out fear would run rampant through my heart like a deer leaping from summit to summit! Like Aslan on the move! Father I pray that your perfect love would obliterate all doubt! Your light shines and darkeness is gone! Father God I pray that you would give me the strength to surrender before you. Give me the humility I need to offer it all up as rubbish, to count it all as lost for the sake of knowing you. Keep me close to the truth, Lord. You are not finished with me. It is you, O Lord, that foils the plans of nations and thwarts the purposes of the people (Ps. 33:10). Teach me to trust in your ways and walk in your truth. Teach me to be open and vulnerable to you! I allow myself to believe that nothing is too messy or complicated for you! You are bigger than I am! You are bigger than my enemy is! You are the God of all heaven and earth! Nothing is impossible for you! Teach me to trust you and believe that you see it all, you know it all, and you are in control. The victory is your's, God. Now have victory in my heart! Amen.

The greatest thing about Xanga is that when you need to write a paper it's always there for you. It's like "Come here Jeanine, don't stress out, just let it out." And I'm like "No, Xanga, this is what got us in trouble in the first place! I don't feel like you are respecting my boundaries!"

So, maybe not really. But the truth is that I do have a paper to finish and that I am struggling to finish it. I am so tired, I just want a nap... even though it's almost 7pm. But as soon as I finish the paper, guess what... I won't be tired anymore. Funny.

I had a really awesome "You go girl!" Valentine's Day post prepared. But I never got around to posting it. I don't like it when people call it "Single Awareness Day." Like, what is that really supposed to mean? So you didn't realize that you were single until V-Day rolls around and, "Oh my gosh! Why didn't you tell me I was single!?" I'm usually pretty aware of being single all the other 364 days of the year. Or people think it's funny because it's like they are raising awareness for a disease. Real cute, people. But I'll tell you what, it's marriage that's contagious! Wierd. If you think about it, it sucks a whole lot more to be single during Christmas time (an entire season) than it does on Valentine's Day. None of this was in my really awesome post. I just got to thinking about it.

Peace out.

It's been a long time coming. I've been pretty lost. I've been pretty stupid. I am pretty proud. I have been proud of the fact that I have tact. I know what to say and don't generally stick my foot in my mouth. Boy, oh, boy. Somebody lied to me. Oh wait, it was me. I have acted on my emotions for so long that I don't know how to do much else. I think, "I will feel better if I get something off of my chest." But I don't think through how the things I say are going to make the other person feel. Sometimes it is unnecesary and frivolous to speak. Jesus. Help me relearn that lesson that I thought I already knew.

I've been hurt, deeply hurt over the course of 22 years. It has shaped me and God has refined me through it to make me the person I am today. It has also crippled me. I suck at relationships, all relationships. Mentoring, friendship, romantic, it's all lost on me. I feel like I have to try so hard to do what comes naturally to most other people but my onwn barriers prevent me from seeing things through eyes of wisdom and discernment. Instead I act on emotion... great.

I don' t think it's too late though. I think I am still salvagable. The damage that has been done is just that, done. With God as my refiner, he will turn my selfishness into selflessness. Loving my neighbor as much as I love myself and showing it accordingly.